My colors of cancer

A positive approach on combating Breast Cancer
Breast Cancer Ribbon

The Sunday Writing Circle…A Piece of History

posted by:
Esther M. Pagan

The Sunday Writing Circle was started December 1st, 2013 by facilitators, Latanya DeVaughn and Vanessa Ferreira aka Vanessa Chica. We meet every Sunday at El Fogon Art Center in the Bronx, 989 Home Street, Bronx, NY 10459 2 or 5 train to Freeman Avenue, a creative art center where poets and musicians meet to exhibit art and hold events. Our Sundays are like Communion. We do it religiously. We consist of a group of talented up and coming poets from all walks of life. We write about culture, truth and justice…in the raw.

This is our 3rd cycle, meaning it is the 3rd class. Each class consists of meeting once a week in total 10 weeks. At the end of each cycle all the participating poets submit up to 3 poems and an Anthology is written in collaboration of all the artists. The first Anthology, “No Apologies” was release on April 25th, 2014. The second book, “Full Circle Ensemble”  will be release January 2015. We will also be releasing a performance at the National Black Theatre in Harlem also in January. More details to follow, like us on FB, Full Circle Ensemble.   A website is in the making as we speak and write.

We will be inviting cast, social media personalities and members of the press that have been following our story and promoting us for a “Thank You Dinner.” The first hour will consist of a group discussion and group interview. The bloggers or radio personalities will be allowed to ask questions. This will be recorded for the pre-show documentary. Here is a preview of some of the cast members quotes on the Sunday Writing Circle…Full Circle Ensemble: 

Latanya DeVaughn…the Sunday Writing Circle…I look at each cycle as trimesters…3rd Cycle we gave birth to, “The Full Circle Ensemble.” The Full Circle Ensemble allows writers, poets, actors, musicians and artists in general to come together for the sake of creative expression.

Vanessa Ferreira aka Vanessa Chica…The Sunday Writing Circle made me visible. It is therapeutic and we are making a difference with pen and paper.

Andres Chulisi Rodriguez…I’m Andres Chulisi Rodriguez and joined the 2nd Cycle. I teach poets how to perform their pieces with originality and conviction. It is through this 3rd cycle that I made a dream into a realization.

Esther “esty” Pagan aka Star Angel…I started in the 2nd cycle and have evolved to where I can release my anguish and advocate for others in a positive way.   As a Breast Cancer Survivor and survivor of other adversities, I write to show awareness and share my strength to others. I love the Circle of Energy that we share as a group and what everyone brings to the table.

Margarita Cuevas-Cruz…I started in the first cycle and feel that I have grown immensely as a writer and a person in my time with the Sunday Writing Circle. I also feel very excited to be a part of performing in the National Black Theatre; not only because I enjoy performing, also because it will be one of the realist performances I feel I will ever do. Especially surrounded by people who are going to be sharing the deepest parts of them selves on such a historical stage.

Mary Hernandez aka Mary Quite Contrary…my passion poetry…my passion love all combined in a group of amazing individuals from all different walks of life. As some have said it has become our Sunday Church…oh yes, indeed it has. What better way of explaining our traditional Sundays…writing…purging…tears…love…respect…confidants…friendship…and most of all Unity.

James Peach McClory…I’m James Peach McClory and I am a Spoken Word Artist…I have been with the group since the first cycle. It’s very exciting to see people grow artistically, not only on an individual level, but forming a bond of support, friendship and trust as a family on a whole. It’s like going to church but without the guilt.

Salvador Martinez…I’m new to the circle and it’s been nothing short of a blessing. In a short time my writing has evolved, a poet surfaced and a voice was born. Layers I’ve begun to shed and stories I will tell in my fashion with full circle swag.

AJ De Pena…First cycle and I am wondering where was I the first two. LIFE changing experience for me.

Mental Sins…I was part of the 2nd cycle and I had the opportunity to sit in on the first. All I can honestly say is what’s going on hire is ground breaking.


Katalina Rodriguez…This is El David and my first cycle and I’ll echo Sal and AJ that this has been such a great experience for both of us. El David is more seasoned in the poetry world and definitely gets a different experience than I do. I’m new to writing in this format and I feel very blessed to be able to grow artistically with such a great group of people.

Tonysha DeChecchi…I was part of cycle 2 & now 3. I will concur with everyone here. This experience has allowed me to open parts of myself that I had long closed, embrace my gifts and stand in the power of my voice. While I don’t aspire to be a performer like some of my colleagues, I’m much more secure in the writing I produce and becoming increasingly more comfortable behind the mic. Love my circle!


From The Page To The Stage

posted by:
Esther M. Pagan

I am part of a poetic family of wonderful artists, actors, comedians, dancers, musicians, singers and humanitarians, “The Full Circle Ensemble.”  We meet religiously as “The Sunday Writing Circle”…like communion we worship our craft of writing, creating, sharing, laughing, crying, shouting and letting go.  My tears of joy cannot express how lucky I am to be part of such a wonderful group of professional human beings.  We come from all walks of life and “We Walk The Talk!”  I love each and every one of you for what you bring and share to the table. Our facilitators Latanya DeVaughn, Vanessa Chica and Andres Chulisi Rodriguez are a phenomenal team that make it all happen.  The artists…Karina G-Lopez; Nelson (Herencia) Ramirez; Emily Klein; Jeanette Villafane; Rashwna; Margarita Cruz; MentalSins; Mariela; AJ De Pena; Mai Reina Gold; James Peach; Esther “esty” Pagan aka Star Angel; Rebeca Lois; Salvador Martinez; Mary; Amin Valentin; Lloyd; Yolanda Luz Rodriguez Delgado; Katalina; El David; Shafina; Nick E. Finn; Laura; Cal Heyward and Tonysha DeChecchi…I LOVE YOU!  Thank you for making my life purposeful.  We embarked on our first performance, “From The Page To The Stage” at The National Black Theatre of Harlem.  We were blessed to be in such a historical space with such extraordinary pieces of art…we were blessed.  The show was phenomenal.  The audience loved us and couldn’t stop talking.  I cannot express the joy that I feel just being part of such an event.  Everything was on point from the beginning to the end.  Everything flowed beautifully.  All the performers Rocked!!! We did it! and I want to continue to do it again and again and again. STAY TUNED!!!!    


Victoria’s Secret…thank you

posted by:
Esther M. Pagan

I have been suffering silently for a while now.  My body is different, I have a silent body part that is alien to me.  But it is what it is…I also have life.  My choice.  Many in my situation procrastinate and do nothing or stay in denial.  I just want to empower myself as a woman…with my alien body part and all.  

When asked what I wanted for Xmas I said I wanted a bra.  I got gift cards from loved ones for Victoria’s Secret.  I decided I was going to open the door to all the women who may come after me with the same experience .  When I got to the Victoria’s Secret boutique in the New Bay Plaza Mall I encountered a wonderful sales associate named Zenaida.  As I was changing in the fitting room and she assisted me…I bore no shame in my Breast Cancer War Wounds…my beautiful scars.  

I told her it was ok I was not ashamed.  I wanted her to understand how I felt so she could help others like me.  You see the biggest thing after having a double mastectomy and having no chest muscle after breast cancer reconstruction is finding the right bra that will support your now breast limbs.  I call them limbs because they will never function the same as my prior chest muscles.  I had strength…they aligned themselves with the rest of the muscles in my body.  You never know how important something is until you lose it.

As a NYS licensed massage therapist boy do I miss them and I know how my body functions.  It’s ok because this has challenged me to dig deeper into me…into my body.

 So now I must work with what I have and make that beautiful no matter what.  When you look good…you feel good.  No matter what…I always want to feel good about myself and be happy.  I chose 4 bras in various colors…the Demi Style because they are wider under the armpit.  A mastectomy survivor needs all the support around the chest area as possible.  I also chose matching panties and thongs…I wanna look cute.  

I asked Zenaida if I could write Kudos for her in their Victoria’s Secret survey.  She said,

“Of course”…she also introduced me to her manager…Michelle.  They both were very happy to have met me and thanked me for my courage and strength. They both have loved ones where my war wounds hit home.

Today not only did I feel good and walked out of Victoria’s Secret looking good…I also felt empowered as a woman for women.  Thanks Victoria.


Come see us shine

posted by:
Esther M. Pagan



Welcome Back xo

posted by:
Esther M. Pagan
Welcome Back xo

Welcome Back xo

excited to go from the page to the stage with all my poetry peeps xoxoxo

excited to go from the page to the stage with all my poetry peeps xoxoxo


I have not been blogging for quite sometime because I have been so busy with my personal life. Things are finally looking up and up. My mind has never stopped ticking my creative aspects are coming alive. I found a new circle of brothers and sisters…friends…my poetry peeps. Full Circle Ensemble…I love being part of this group. I am alive again. My words express my emotions to the fullest. I am me.

I thank my Sunday Writing Circle…almost like ritual communion meetings. We laugh, we cry, we purge, we write, our love of penned paper from the heart and soul. My brothers and sisters…Latanya Devaughn…writing facilitator…Vanessa Chica…member relations and social media…Andres Chulisi Rodriguez…performance coach…love you guys for being our back bone. We are the bones…Karina G-Lopez…Nelson (Herencia) Martinez…Jeanette Villafane…Rashawna…Margarita aka Ita (we love you)…Mental Sins…Mariela…A.J.…Mai Reina Gold…Rebeca Lois…James Peach…Esther “esty” Pagan…Salvador Martinez…Mary…Lloyd…Yolanda Luz Rodriguez Delgad…Katalina…El David…Shafina…Malik James…we rock words to the top!

This January 8th, 2015 6:30-10:00…National Black Theatre of Harlem2031 5th Avenue New York, NY 10035…Our First Performance…From The Page To The Stage…A circle of writers/poets/actors, wonderful people

To purchase tickets and for more information go to



posted by:
Esther M. Pagan

Today it rained and I was opened. Here is what I felt.


By Esther “esty” Pagan 6/10/14 



My hands are tied

Behing my back

My breasts twisted fate

From yesterday’s

Benigned phone calls


The door was wide open

See what you want

Through the floating

Grey cloud

I’m peeking sunshine behind


Even in the darkness

Mr. Moon

Shone light

Riding the sleigh ride

Mountainous valley roads


I tripped and fell

Into a puddled water

Abstract sludge

On my skin pours


My pores ran out



Hell will rise

With spears from sparrows

Teeth like eels

Electric circuit

To my brain

Just blew out

My piston’s stopped working


I wanna dance

Even though my

Muscles are flaccid


My man baby

Needs my

Nurturing pacifier


His vampire teeth

Pierced the bosoms

Of my heart

Then I fell in love

With my Dracula

Bat Man


He made me a

Peach cobbler pie

From my curdled milk

After I died

And came back


The bus driver

Came through

The train tracks

With barred windows

The glass was not clear


I could not see

My appointment

Was not today but of

Yesterday’s tomorrow


Her thumb tastes

Like strawberries

With tiger print

Converse sneakers


My King’s Queen Crown

Does not sparkle



The tea kettle in the

Garden of my pot

Intoxicates me


My dirges

Cry of woes

Never heard



Her protruding pelvis

Genital vagina lips

Gave birth to a

Plastic water bottle

No placenta

No taste


I got lost

Down the

Yellow Brick Road

Ended up as

Alice in Breastland

Never met up with

The Mad Hatter

Our topless party

Picking flowers

With debilitated seeds

Was put on hold

Got rain checked


My somewhere

Over that rainbow

Judy did not

Sing to me

The cats

Got her tongue


I woke up

Dreaming with

Eyes open

To my fate…



I am…An Artist

posted by:
Esther M. Pagan

I am an Artist

By Esther “esty” Pagan 6/9/14

I am…

An artist

For real

A for real artist

But I’m left handed


I’m not a devil child

I am Star Angel

That’s right

Esther; esty; estelita

Star Angel

I’m an artist


My paintbrushes


Are my fingertips?

My hands employ

The canvases of my soul


My Brain

Eyes my imagination

My nose works well

With my tongue n cheek

Through my fingers

Then become forks n knives

Of my culinary cookery

Goya, Granma’s Queen


I am divine madness


I cannot stop my brain

From ticking


For I am an artist

For real

A for real artist


But I’m left handed

I use all my 360 senses

With the cerebral cortex

Of my Brain



I have Pyramid Dreams

Of Mai

Peacocked Feathered Princess

Dancing on Cuero

Bomba y Plena rhythm

Slapping raindrops on my

Window pain


I am an artist

My hands varnish

My livelihood

But I’m left handed


I will touch you

Ever so lightly

Share my energy

Heal you with my intent

Bygones be bygones



I am an artist

A for real artist

I sculpture hats

From paper

I photograph them

With nude Barbie Dolls

In all shapes n colors


My Barbie Dolls

Don’t discriminate

My art pain

I make it beautiful

For I am an artist

A for real artist


I place my

Brained words

On penned paper

Coming from my

Communioned heart

Of my love for prose


Truth be told

From a broken mirror

Looking glass

Which although broken

Shines prismic hues

From jagged edges

Like an injured

Rubber band

Never regenerating itself

But open


From that tunneled

Vision box

With no closures

No closures

Left in Limbo

Tim Buck Two

Has Bermuda Pink Sand

In the beaches

Of my art


I’m an artist

My Brained eyes

Can never be blindfolded

I see in shades of grey

And don’t forget

I’m an artist


With my hands

Left handed

Using all sides

Of my love for art

For Real.



My Art…For I am an Artist

posted by:
Esther M. Pagan

Today I went to the volunteer department of Mount Sinai Hospital to apply as a volunteer.  I want to give back in a creative way.  My application is pending for mid August when I may start working with children.  I am enthusiastic to be able to bring joy to someone’s cloud as they are going through whatever adversity with illness.  In the mean time I have put my personal art of my adversity with Breast Cancer for sale on Ebay and FB as well as Linkedin.  I want to set up a fund to give back to individuals with Breast Cancer.  Please help me on my new journey to giving back.  Much love and light to all.  

These photos where taken of my battle and adversity with Breast Cancer and Breast Cancer Reconstruction.  At every phase I wrote a poem to my personal story.  I hope I can inspire those in need of inspiration that the battle can be fought and won of that, “Monster who does’nt even have a face.”  1-Nippleless 16×20 Kodak Color Pic $150.00 framed; $125.00 unframed. 2-Colorless Nipples 16×20 Kodak Color Pic $150.00framed; $125.00 unframed.  3-Pink Breasts Pink Nipples 16×20 Kodak Color Pic $150.00 framed; $125.00 unframed.  Each picture is signed and poem is written acordingly on pic.  I Nipplelessphoto:poemColorlessNipplespoem:photo-1Pinkbreastspinknipplespoem:photo-2BreastCancerCellFighter:photo-4IndigenousMe:photo-5also painted my emotions on canvas.  4-Breast Cancer Cell Fighter $300.00 16×20 Acrylic on canvas.  5-Indigenous Me $350.00 16×20 Acrylic on Canvas.  Please note all of the above are for sale and part of the proceeds will be part of a grant to help individuals with Breast Cancer. 


Glitter of Hope

posted by:
Esther M. Pagan

Tomorrow I must visit my charming Dr. Torina for the last time to complete my Breast Cancer Reconstruction.  After a double mastectomy and 6 more surgeries to complete the process (2 which were complications) and 19 months in the process of, I am teary eyed to say good bye.  My visits with him and his staff were that of joy, laughter, sadness, and mostly hope.  My hope to continue and finish my journey as quickly, quietly, and safely as possible.  My charming Dr. Torina was the utmost professional and compassionate person I have ever encountered in the medical field.  I as so greatefull to him as I trusted him with my life everytime he placed his hands on me.  I wrote this poem with him in mind one day, as I was going through the utmost of my trials and tribulations with my adversity and the “Breast Cancer Monster,” that doesn’t even have a face.  Here’s to you Dr. Torina:

Today I saw a glitter of hope

By Esther “esty” Pagan 8/5/13

Today I saw a glitter of hope 

The clouds landscaped

Their beauty above me

It’s brightness white light

Crept through every

Pore of heaven

I saw a glitter of hope

My spirit rose

With the dawn of sunbeam

Turn to red horizon

Parallel to dusk

Glitter of hope

In my heartbeat

As my blood runs

Fluid bursting to my

Every breath of life

You took my hand

Never let it go

Your worked dreams

With eyes opened

You put a bandage

On my sore

And fixed it

Hope lies in my name

For it is I

Who make’s it happen

As hope turns

To glitter faith

Today I saw a glitter of hope.


Esther “esty” Pagan



Pink Breast…Pink Nipples

posted by:
Esther M. Pagan


Pink Breasts…Pink Nipples by Esther “esty” Pagan 4/16/14


Pink Breasts…Pink Nipples

Fuchsia to be exact, that vivid, red, purplish color.

That’s right my own Hostess Snow Balls

Like the marshmallow coconut pink clouds of aspiration

With devils food chocolate cake

And white cream filling

Filling my life full of joy and hope 

Yes that is what My Colors of Cancer has led me to

Till this day…today where I will never forget my Threat of picking which to choose from

 The boobs or the breathing

The boobs or the breathing

The boobs or the breathing

Yes my breathing became shallow

So shallow was I

I almost became “Invisible”

“Invincible” and “Invisible” and “Invincible.”

 I could not see myself sometimes

I did not want to look…did not want to feel

Could not feel…did not see

What was happening to me.

I was numb sometimes…

Bumped into walls sometimes…

Which I still do sometimes…

It will never go away sometimes…

But I played the game

The game that needed to be played

Of pretend façade

To Beat and Win

And come back to my reality of

The boobs or the breathing

The boobs or the breathing

The boobs or the breathing

Am I alive



I pretend that they are still there.

Then I see that Bride of Frankenstein Scar

My war wounds

Across my chest

Missing my Nurturing Pacifiers

On my Twin Towers

Oh…how I miss them so.

Tomorrow will come when my pretend façade

Takes me to number 7

That’s how many times

I played the game to…

The last and final stage

Of my fight and flight

Of My Colors of Cancer.

Yes that color…that hue.

Fuchsia to be exact, that vivid, red, purplish color

Will take me to conclude my fight with the Big C

Who doesn’t even have a face

But I will never let it forget mine

For I am here with my Machete at hand

The Red, White and Blues

Rice and Beans coming from

My Soul of Boriqua Badness

Don’t you ever forget me.

You…Big C

I beat You.

You never had a chance with me.

I was never going to let up


Never was going to let you win.

I am the one left standing.

You see me

Look at my face

I am not Invisible

Invincible am I.

Pink Breasts…Pink Nipples.