My colors of cancer

A positive approach on combating Breast Cancer
Breast Cancer Ribbon


posted by:
Esther M. Pagan

Today it rained and I was opened. Here is what I felt.


By Esther “esty” Pagan 6/10/14 



My hands are tied

Behing my back

My breasts twisted fate

From yesterday’s

Benigned phone calls


The door was wide open

See what you want

Through the floating

Grey cloud

I’m peeking sunshine behind


Even in the darkness

Mr. Moon

Shone light

Riding the sleigh ride

Mountainous valley roads


I tripped and fell

Into a puddled water

Abstract sludge

On my skin pours


My pores ran out



Hell will rise

With spears from sparrows

Teeth like eels

Electric circuit

To my brain

Just blew out

My piston’s stopped working


I wanna dance

Even though my

Muscles are flaccid


My man baby

Needs my

Nurturing pacifier


His vampire teeth

Pierced the bosoms

Of my heart

Then I fell in love

With my Dracula

Bat Man


He made me a

Peach cobbler pie

From my curdled milk

After I died

And came back


The bus driver

Came through

The train tracks

With barred windows

The glass was not clear


I could not see

My appointment

Was not today but of

Yesterday’s tomorrow


Her thumb tastes

Like strawberries

With tiger print

Converse sneakers


My King’s Queen Crown

Does not sparkle



The tea kettle in the

Garden of my pot

Intoxicates me


My dirges

Cry of woes

Never heard



Her protruding pelvis

Genital vagina lips

Gave birth to a

Plastic water bottle

No placenta

No taste


I got lost

Down the

Yellow Brick Road

Ended up as

Alice in Breastland

Never met up with

The Mad Hatter

Our topless party

Picking flowers

With debilitated seeds

Was put on hold

Got rain checked


My somewhere

Over that rainbow

Judy did not

Sing to me

The cats

Got her tongue


I woke up

Dreaming with

Eyes open

To my fate…



I am…An Artist

posted by:
Esther M. Pagan

I am an Artist

By Esther “esty” Pagan 6/9/14

I am…

An artist

For real

A for real artist

But I’m left handed


I’m not a devil child

I am Star Angel

That’s right

Esther; esty; estelita

Star Angel

I’m an artist


My paintbrushes


Are my fingertips?

My hands employ

The canvases of my soul


My Brain

Eyes my imagination

My nose works well

With my tongue n cheek

Through my fingers

Then become forks n knives

Of my culinary cookery

Goya, Granma’s Queen


I am divine madness


I cannot stop my brain

From ticking


For I am an artist

For real

A for real artist


But I’m left handed

I use all my 360 senses

With the cerebral cortex

Of my Brain



I have Pyramid Dreams

Of Mai

Peacocked Feathered Princess

Dancing on Cuero

Bomba y Plena rhythm

Slapping raindrops on my

Window pain


I am an artist

My hands varnish

My livelihood

But I’m left handed


I will touch you

Ever so lightly

Share my energy

Heal you with my intent

Bygones be bygones



I am an artist

A for real artist

I sculpture hats

From paper

I photograph them

With nude Barbie Dolls

In all shapes n colors


My Barbie Dolls

Don’t discriminate

My art pain

I make it beautiful

For I am an artist

A for real artist


I place my

Brained words

On penned paper

Coming from my

Communioned heart

Of my love for prose


Truth be told

From a broken mirror

Looking glass

Which although broken

Shines prismic hues

From jagged edges

Like an injured

Rubber band

Never regenerating itself

But open


From that tunneled

Vision box

With no closures

No closures

Left in Limbo

Tim Buck Two

Has Bermuda Pink Sand

In the beaches

Of my art


I’m an artist

My Brained eyes

Can never be blindfolded

I see in shades of grey

And don’t forget

I’m an artist


With my hands

Left handed

Using all sides

Of my love for art

For Real.



My Art…For I am an Artist

posted by:
Esther M. Pagan

Today I went to the volunteer department of Mount Sinai Hospital to apply as a volunteer.  I want to give back in a creative way.  My application is pending for mid August when I may start working with children.  I am enthusiastic to be able to bring joy to someone’s cloud as they are going through whatever adversity with illness.  In the mean time I have put my personal art of my adversity with Breast Cancer for sale on Ebay and FB as well as Linkedin.  I want to set up a fund to give back to individuals with Breast Cancer.  Please help me on my new journey to giving back.  Much love and light to all.  

These photos where taken of my battle and adversity with Breast Cancer and Breast Cancer Reconstruction.  At every phase I wrote a poem to my personal story.  I hope I can inspire those in need of inspiration that the battle can be fought and won of that, “Monster who does’nt even have a face.”  1-Nippleless 16×20 Kodak Color Pic $150.00 framed; $125.00 unframed. 2-Colorless Nipples 16×20 Kodak Color Pic $150.00framed; $125.00 unframed.  3-Pink Breasts Pink Nipples 16×20 Kodak Color Pic $150.00 framed; $125.00 unframed.  Each picture is signed and poem is written acordingly on pic.  I Nipplelessphoto:poemColorlessNipplespoem:photo-1Pinkbreastspinknipplespoem:photo-2BreastCancerCellFighter:photo-4IndigenousMe:photo-5also painted my emotions on canvas.  4-Breast Cancer Cell Fighter $300.00 16×20 Acrylic on canvas.  5-Indigenous Me $350.00 16×20 Acrylic on Canvas.  Please note all of the above are for sale and part of the proceeds will be part of a grant to help individuals with Breast Cancer. 


Glitter of Hope

posted by:
Esther M. Pagan

Tomorrow I must visit my charming Dr. Torina for the last time to complete my Breast Cancer Reconstruction.  After a double mastectomy and 6 more surgeries to complete the process (2 which were complications) and 19 months in the process of, I am teary eyed to say good bye.  My visits with him and his staff were that of joy, laughter, sadness, and mostly hope.  My hope to continue and finish my journey as quickly, quietly, and safely as possible.  My charming Dr. Torina was the utmost professional and compassionate person I have ever encountered in the medical field.  I as so greatefull to him as I trusted him with my life everytime he placed his hands on me.  I wrote this poem with him in mind one day, as I was going through the utmost of my trials and tribulations with my adversity and the “Breast Cancer Monster,” that doesn’t even have a face.  Here’s to you Dr. Torina:

Today I saw a glitter of hope

By Esther “esty” Pagan 8/5/13

Today I saw a glitter of hope 

The clouds landscaped

Their beauty above me

It’s brightness white light

Crept through every

Pore of heaven

I saw a glitter of hope

My spirit rose

With the dawn of sunbeam

Turn to red horizon

Parallel to dusk

Glitter of hope

In my heartbeat

As my blood runs

Fluid bursting to my

Every breath of life

You took my hand

Never let it go

Your worked dreams

With eyes opened

You put a bandage

On my sore

And fixed it

Hope lies in my name

For it is I

Who make’s it happen

As hope turns

To glitter faith

Today I saw a glitter of hope.


Esther “esty” Pagan



Pink Breast…Pink Nipples

posted by:
Esther M. Pagan


Pink Breasts…Pink Nipples by Esther “esty” Pagan 4/16/14


Pink Breasts…Pink Nipples

Fuchsia to be exact, that vivid, red, purplish color.

That’s right my own Hostess Snow Balls

Like the marshmallow coconut pink clouds of aspiration

With devils food chocolate cake

And white cream filling

Filling my life full of joy and hope 

Yes that is what My Colors of Cancer has led me to

Till this day…today where I will never forget my Threat of picking which to choose from

 The boobs or the breathing

The boobs or the breathing

The boobs or the breathing

Yes my breathing became shallow

So shallow was I

I almost became “Invisible”

“Invincible” and “Invisible” and “Invincible.”

 I could not see myself sometimes

I did not want to look…did not want to feel

Could not feel…did not see

What was happening to me.

I was numb sometimes…

Bumped into walls sometimes…

Which I still do sometimes…

It will never go away sometimes…

But I played the game

The game that needed to be played

Of pretend façade

To Beat and Win

And come back to my reality of

The boobs or the breathing

The boobs or the breathing

The boobs or the breathing

Am I alive



I pretend that they are still there.

Then I see that Bride of Frankenstein Scar

My war wounds

Across my chest

Missing my Nurturing Pacifiers

On my Twin Towers

Oh…how I miss them so.

Tomorrow will come when my pretend façade

Takes me to number 7

That’s how many times

I played the game to…

The last and final stage

Of my fight and flight

Of My Colors of Cancer.

Yes that color…that hue.

Fuchsia to be exact, that vivid, red, purplish color

Will take me to conclude my fight with the Big C

Who doesn’t even have a face

But I will never let it forget mine

For I am here with my Machete at hand

The Red, White and Blues

Rice and Beans coming from

My Soul of Boriqua Badness

Don’t you ever forget me.

You…Big C

I beat You.

You never had a chance with me.

I was never going to let up


Never was going to let you win.

I am the one left standing.

You see me

Look at my face

I am not Invisible

Invincible am I.

Pink Breasts…Pink Nipples.


My Dad, my best friend on the planet…I miss you

posted by:
Esther M. Pagan
Seeing light...even in the dark.

Seeing light…even in the dark.

My father past away a year ago on 4/4/13…he was in the last stages of Altzeimer’s living i a wheel chaired prison of his brain for the last 8 years.  Those who knew him loved him and knew how much he loved life.  My father was my best friend on the planet.  He was always there for me, always listened and never judged me.  More than anything he loved me…me for who I am.  I miss you Papi. In Catholicism we as Puerto Ricans pay homage to our loved ones when they pass with a Mass in their honor.  I am Buddhist but wanted to partake in my fathers honor.  I remember as a child growing up how we were told not to do certain things because God sees everything and he weeps.  “No haga eso que Papa Dios llora.”  Well my father taught me it was ok to be mischievous for he was mischievous.  Being at his honorable mass and thinking back to my childhood has inspired me to write this poem for I know my dad has gotten in trouble with Papa Dios.  But I also know he and Papa Dios hang.  Here’s to my best friend on the planet…Mi Papi.

Mi Papa Dios must be Puerto Rican, my Puerto Rican Papa Dios.  by Esther “esty” Pagan  4/4/14

Mi Papa Dios must be Puerto Rican, my Puerto Rican Papa Dios.                                                                      

I know he’s Puerto Rican.  He showed me the flag one day.

The arroz con gandules red, white and blues con Pernir Y Cuero. Pasteles Clouds con Queso Blanco y Guava Paste.

Mi Papa Dios must be Puerto Rican.

His olive caramel skin shines my Taino Boriqua rays from sun rise to moon hays.

His auburn color curls of luster locks feels like silk running through my finger tips.

His rainbow smile shows infinite laughter, lightening. listening with thunder hugs from the heart.

His humble abode welcoming…welcoming Salsa Dancing.   As he dances to the tunes of Tito, Hector y Celia paying homage to his Primos y Primas… Los Santos y Don.

Bodega boxed dreams driving a red convertible Chevy with Papa Dios in the back seat.

Picking up La Virgen Maria…Bendita tu eres entre todas las mujeres y bendito es el fruto de tu vientre Jesus.  Yeah La Virgen Maria…Papa Dios Lover Like no other…Emaculate Conception.  She must be Puerto Rican.

El Cielo is the best disco in town, “Heaven.”  Papa Dios is spinning vinyl House, Disco, R&B and oh don’t forget that Gospel music.

Stripper Angels stripping our doubts of who we were, what and where we came from.  Clear, invisible, flying free spirit breeze of nothingness.

All comining down to having that, “Last Supper.”  Just before knocking on the Door’s Gate of 777 Heaven’s Lane on Cloud 9 till the end of time. 

I know deep in my heart and the pit of my Boriqua Stomach that…Mi Papa Dios must be Puerto Rican, my Puerto Rican Papa Dios.


Working with Ed Cabrera

posted by:
Esther M. Pagan
Esther Pagan free spirit in the blue always smiling from the heart.

Free Spirit

Free Spirit 
Working with Ed Cabrera as he is teaching me Word Press.  He is a martial artist of 30+years as well as being a physical education educator for 26+years in NYC.  He also is a creative artist with technology and communication…teaching me Word Press.

Soledad Speaks and Cicalese Side Swipes

posted by:
Esther M. Pagan

To Vivian Vasquez>Good Morning my love.  I just wanted to say thank you for coming with me last night for our little exciting endeavor escapade.  I’m sorry your humble vehicle car got injured in the interim. That Mother Freaker!!! Cicalese Trucking Company from Cranford, NJ.   The Hunter Green 18-wheeler cap that side swiped your car and kept going.  Hit and run on the intersection of Tremont & Westchester Avenue in the Bronx.  Yeah the one with the 40ish white male with balding black hair sporting black frame glasses driver who refused to stop. I must admit it felt like we were Mission Impossible and Charlie’s Angels speeding to get him.  Yeah and do what…stop an 18-wheeler cap with your humble abode vehicle car?  I would have done everything and anything in my power to make it happen, you had my back.  I loved the chase, trying to chase him down to stop him and he wouldn’t stop.  That Mother Freaker!!! He just drove around us like we were scurried little insects trying to get a nut.  Yeah it really made my blood boil.  Thank you Police Officer Delgado from the 12th precinct for taking our report. But I hope everything turns out ok for your vehicle’s skinned knee.  I also want to thank you for giving me your listening ear as the Black Sheep…I want to term my situation…Black Sheep.  I will continue to search for the answer to the question…what purpose does it serve you? Hope you and Rick got home ok.  You must admit our little escapade makes for great Cafe con Leche Coffee converstaion. ;) xo TQM=Te Quiero Mucho.  To Soledad Speaks>you girls rock, amazingly Fucking Fantabulous (using the term Fucking as a term of endearment).  Linda Nieves-Powell your ability to put this all together so beautifully with class and conviction with humor and historically correct was on point.  I thank you, thank you, thank you.  My tears are flowing as I speak/type.  The tears of joy are also flowing as I speak/type to know that not only I am the only one who could say how proud I am to be who I am.  Thank you, thank you, thank you for helping me find that identity.  All the performers, you were all amazingly, funny, witty, convicted in the raw.  But mostly, powerful! I love you all!!!  Peggy Robles-Alvarado, I wanted to hug you so hard for your performance of you being you and putting it out there the way you did.  You made me laugh and cry, thank you, thank you, thank you.  You are amazing.  JF Seary, you too were amazing as were you all.  I just wanted to share my experience of you all touching my heart at this time and helping me put my icing on my cake. Soledad Speaks needs to be on, “The Big Screen.” I will put it out in the universe for you all with my power soul spirit heart might xoxo.  



Papa Rose

posted by:
Esther M. Pagan

Today I spoke with my ex-husband, Rosario who I like to call Rose.  After 15+ years of marriage, getting divorced, going through adversity with trauma…we have grown to really become best of friends.  He will always have a special place in my heart.  He is and will always be in my life.  My daughter adores him (he is not her father) more than her own father.  My grandchildren call him Papa Rose and I am happy that it took 15+ years for us to become, “Besties.”  He told me he went to the doctor, yes the doctor that I referred over 20 people in the past since the 90’s.  Yes the doctor who checked my pe-pe, kaki, my carotid and my heart.  Yes the doctor who told me of my Breast Cancer diagnosis over the phone.  He told Rose that Cancer is on the rise, more than Heart Disease and any thing else.  Cancer is on the rise.   



P90X Beach Body

posted by:
Esther M. Pagan

Today I started working out the P90X Beach Body.  Evita is doing the program and she is seeing results.  I have a cousin, Stephanie Burgos, daughter of Elizabeth and Victor Burgos, who is a physician in the main Boston Hospital’s emergency room.  She was always unhappy with her image as a child growing up.  She made a change.  She married her passion to her genius and she became a physician working towards helping others make better lifestyle choices.  I am proud of her and her mother who has also made a change.  She too married her passion to her genius and is working towards getting certified as a nutritionist.  I see this mother daughter team in the route to success Kudos to Liz and Steph.  I started the chest and back workout today.  I need to get back into shape.  It will be 18 months in April of my Breast Cancer Reconstruction.  I must cleanse my body of all the poisons and toxins that were pumped into me for the reconstruction process.  I have not been able to exercise due to allowing my body to adjust every 3 months after surgery (building block starting from scratch).  In the interim if I would have tried to lift, push or pull more than 5lbs., my breasts would have shifted towards my armpits and Dr. Torina would have to start all over again.  SMH.  So I have been good to follow instruction that has eaten me up inside and I am out of shape and weak.  Now it’s my time to get strong…and get strong I will.  I want to be Stephanie’s case study in this program so she can inspire more Breast Cancer Survivor’s to get up and get strong!