Forgive me please for I have sinned and neglected my audience. I needed to change my hosting from ipage to godaddy and it took me about 3 months and my dear friend’s Livia Nieves patience to help and support me. Thank you Liv xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo. So I’m back. xoxo
Just call me, “Teta”
My wonderful grandson is so spoiled by his mother, my daughter, Evita. She is still breast feeding him at 19 months. He is so adorable, like a little man. She even taught him how to say, “Teta”, which means, breast or Tit in Spanish. So when he is hungry, he says, “Teta.” He goes as far as taking his little itty bitty hand and trying to scoop her, “Teta” out of her blouse. He is adorably funny. Remember my past surgeries when I had tissue expanders in my chest to stretch my skin? It felt like I had, “Barbie Doll Tits” and I wanted to feed a tribe of newborns because it felt like my breasts were engorged with milk and I was carrying bricks in my chest. I also felt like I was the Queen Bee of the Leche League? Well, last night I babysat. My grandson did not feel well. I slept closely to him all night. He kept waking up every 2 hours and was very fussy. He wanted Teta. Not to mention he never took on a pacifier so, “Evita’s Teta” was his pacifier. At one point after the third time he woke up and cried because he was fussy and could not sleep, he looked at me and said, “Teta.” OMG, I think he thought I was Evita. With his hand, he even tried to scoop my now Teta Limbs out of my chest. Bendito, if he only knew that I didn’t even have nipples. I am still Nipple Less. I felt so bad. But at the same time, psychologically I felt good. At least my, “Teta Limbs where true to life.” I thought this experience was hilarious. I gave him a bottle and eventually he fell asleep. I woke up very tired in the morning and with a cold. I caught Noah’s cold. Bendito, I hope he gets better. I hope I get better too.
My dad, my friend, my hero. His birthday was November 22nd. He would have been 82. He past in April. It was our family tradition to celebrate his birthday together with Thanksgiving. This year would be the first time we do not have my dad with us. We wanted to continue the tradition, so I made Thanksgiving dinner to pay homage to him on his what would have been his birthday.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. What are you thankful for? I am thankful for life!!! I am happy to be here and have all the wonderful things that life has to offer. Whether adversity with Breast Cancer or not, I feel blessed. It could be worse. It really could be. So what are you thankful for???
This just came to my heart spirit and I needed to share.
My Heart Doesn’t Know What To Do by Esther “esty” Pagan 11/17/13
My heart doesn’t know what to do.
Should I shut part of it off as it never existed?
The existence that bumped into the knowing of deceit?
Should I listen to my second brain and say, “No Mas!”
It’s not about my fear… but of your coward ness.
Of living a lie, a lie that prevents you from facing the truth.
Your issues of so your called, “Egotistical BS Manhood or Womanhood.”
You lie, you lie, you lie.
Everyday you lie to your face.
You don’t lie to my face because I know.
You see, I know you.
My heart tells me about your façade.
Your pretend façade of , “I Love You’s.”
They are plastic, so plastic they melt through the glass ceiling.
I can see.
I can see through you.
Through your bones of plastic heart of sorrow.
As a sorry excuse for your…
My heart doesn’t know what to do.
This is dedicated to all you men and women out their living a lie.
Today is a new day with new meaning. I must reapply for medical insurance. My insurance has been cancelled. I am receiving SSD and it is over the limit. Although the amount I receive is not sufficient for one to survive, my insurance was cancelled. I must reapply. I am nipple less. I need two more procedures to complete my breast reconstruction. What will happen next? I have been applying to work left and right, to no avail. Employers are only offering part time employment these days. These days are trying days. I have regained strength to get back into the work field. The work field is a mess. What to do??? What to do.
It has been over a year since I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. I have not worked since then. I am in dire need of employment. I do not have my pectoral muscles and feel the need to look into another industry for employment. As a massage therapist for of years I love the work that I do but cannot do the work that I did before. I am currently looking for employment.
Attn: Hiring Manager
I am writing to you because of my interest in seeking a position within your organization.
My name is Esther Pagan and a little more than a year ago I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. I currently have an exhibit at Longwood Gallery, Hostos Community College in the Bronx, titled “My Colors of Cancer.” The exhibit is a collection of sculptured Hats & Photos in the format of a calendar. My idea 5 years ago was to implement art to help people with Cancer. My background and work experience as a Central Scheduler working in the Radiology Department at a hospital call center inspired me to help. I worked closely with the hospital’s Breast Cancer Center and became passionate about helping people with Breast Cancer. Little did I know that one-day I would be diagnosed with Breast Cancer myself?
I am a reliable, conscientious, and hard working individual. Through my work experience, I have developed excellent organizational, interpersonal, and communication skills I am conscious of the importance and value of quality performance, and hope that you will give serious consideration to my employment candidacy.
I believe my background and experience would be a good fit for your organization. I would love the opportunity to meet with you and discuss why I would be an asset to your organization. I look forward to hearing from you soon. I have enclosed my resume for your review.
Esther M. Pagan
Today is not over yet. Today was the 1st Annual Sweet & Salty Angels to the Rescue Pink & Black Gala Fundraiser Event it was hosted by Annette Casper Dejesus from the Sweet Salty Radio Talk Show. My experience at the event was great. An organization called, Angels to the Rescue in accordance with Annette also hosted the event. It honored Breast Cancer Survivor’s. It also happened to be my 1-year Anniversary with my adversity with Breast Cancer. I was beside myself. It was a very moving event with many sponsors. I together with the other Breast Cancer Survivors, felt special and accomplished.
There was music, food and song and dance. There was prayer and inspirational stories. I bonded with my Survival Sisters. I will always collaborate with Angels to the Rescue. I will become a Breast Cancer Survivor Angel to the Rescue.
Yesterday, I participated in the annual Mayor’s Office Disability Mentoring Day. This was my first year participating with this event. The program is designed to help people with Disabilities to be matched up with organizations that will become Mentors to candidates for internships or possible employment. Prior to being matched one is interviewed and prepped for interview process and resume writing. It is a win, win situation. Due to my background, I was matched with an organization that helps families with domestic abuse (women, men, youth & children). I experienced this back in the 80’s. Due to severe head trauma, I suffered brain injury and now have a disability. Things were not as they are today. When meeting my Mentor Cynthia Amodeo of Barrier Free Living, we discussed the industry, how it has changed and what needs to be done for more growth and results. I then spoke about my experience and how I changed and grew. She was amazed with my story. She was even more amazed because I shared my experience about Breast Cancer as well. It was such a pleasure meeting Cynthia yesterday and sitting with her just to collaborate and discuss our feelings about Domestic Abuse. There was an evening reception where the Mentors (75 participating organizations) and the Mentees (233 this year) got together to discuss their experiences. I wanted to speak and say thank you to all involved but I was too emotional to speak. I was so grateful that I was able to live and speak about both of my experiences. I also thought about what this month means to me. Today is my 1-year anniversary combating Breast Cancer. It is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. It is also Domestic Abuse Awareness Month. How Ironic! It was too much for me to talk about. So I am writing to all and thanking all involved for what was given to me yesterday. I was given hope, inspiration, confidence and faith that there are organizations that care about people with disabilities and people combating Breast Cancer. To the Commissioner of the Mayor’s Office for People with Disabilities, (MOPD), Victor Calise; to the Program Coordinator, MOPD, Akada Beach; Eric Jackier, Executive Director of Enable Enterprises, Inc.; and to my Mentor, Cynthia Amodeo, LMHC of Barrior Free Living, (helping people with disabilities help themselves), thank you all, thank you.
Today is my 1-year anniversary of combating Breast Cancer. Last year today, 10/17/12, I made the decision to undergo a double mastectomy so as to combat the Big C, Breast Cancer, who doesn’t even have a face. I was the one left standing. I fought and I won, even though I am still undergoing Breast Reconstruction, I have undergone surgery every 3 months since then (5 surgeries so far) I am still standing. I must undergo 2 more procedures if no complications arise. I still hold my head high and still say to the Big C, Breast Cancer “Bring It On!” I will still fight and never give in to the cowardly game you play with people’s lives. I am one of the many soldiers that have won. So to all my Soldier Sisters and Brothers if I can do it so can you!!!